Kedar Writes..

These days every Hindi Satellite TV channel airs a slew of slimy soapy serials. These so called women oriented serials are the lifeblood of TV channels these days. These serials have attained an on-demand immortality so to speak, since they can live on as long as they want! If only I could, I would love to meet the real viewers who enjoy these endless and unrelenting stories of – rishtas, paramparas, gharanas, aadarsh, saas-bahus, ghar ki lakshmi’s, dumb husbands, palatial homes, menacing vamps, scheming bahus…! More than the serials and their plots, it is these viewers who are a mystery to me.. They surely are surprisingly stupid enough to keep liking this load of crap every single day of their life!

You must have heard at least some of these names by now – Kyon Ki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi, Ghar Ki Lakshmi Betiyaan, Babul Ka Aangan Chhute Na, Baabul, Saas Bahu Aur Baby, Rishtey, Rishton Ki Dor, Mayka, Meri Doli Tere Angana, KKKusum, KKKKasam Se, K…, KK…, KKK…, KKKK…. KKKKKK….,

In fact, I can actually cook up some of these names myself..! but who knows, they might have already been registered.. wonder if they have started filing for a patent for these names nowadays! But the naming scheme is really quite easy, just like the number system! So there are only 10 basic numbers – 0 through 9 – and evey other number in the world is a combination of these. In the same manner, if you take the following words and arrange them in any order, you too can come up with a new name for a TV serial -

Babul, Doli, Bahu, Saas, Maayka, Risht(a/e/on), Dor, Anything starting with ‘K’, Sasuraal, Aangan, Beti(yaan), Aanchal, Maa, Ladli, Mangal Sutra, Sindoor…..

But wait, I forgot to tell you about one key missing piece in this naming scheme – it’s either the numerologist or the astrologist or the palmist or some such scam artist Yeah, you can’t just spell a word in a certain way just because the dictionary says so, you need to ask this ‘expert’ as to which letters are auspicious and how do they add up to make your serial successful. You need to ask him what day is better to launch your serial, what time should you get out of the house every day to go to the set, which color should you be wearing while you are on the set, which toilet tissue should be kept in the bathrooms for your actors and so on.. Only then will you be successful in fooling millions of women to get hooked onto your serial every night! You can opt for any or combination of methodologies like numerology, astrology, palmistry, Tarot Cards, Feng Shui, Vaastu.. more the better!

Okay, once you have the name, you need to think of a story.. umm, didn’t mean to scare you.. you actually don’t have to! In fact, don’t lock yourself into a story.. you should rather be spontaneous on that part! Let your imagination run wild in that area! More on that later..

At this point you need to get your priorities right, get ready for the basics. If you have seen any of these serials, you must have seen that your TV screen needs to turn into a jewelry store. There should be jewelry, more jewelry and even more jewelry – even if the characters are going to the toilet for that matter! ). The houses should be brightly lit with permanent decorations, huge puja-ghar’s, men in sherwani’s or suits, women in silk saaries and designer clothing – yep, even if they are cooking, mother-in-laws or dadi’s should look so young that one should get tempted to suspect that they got married at an illegal age!! So choose your actors accordingly, there is a pool of actors just perfect for the serials.. just go grab a few from that pond!

If you are ready to start shooting, think again. You need to hire a writer just to write the story for the first episode to make it look different. Yeah, the nice thing is, you can start from anywhere you want.. for example, start with a story about an ordinary girl who becomes a prime minister later! Don’t be afraid, beyond that first episode, you can assign the story writing task to your wife! You will be just fine! You also need an ad for your serial, one with a melodious and catchy background score and with a handful of young bright giggling girls with ‘dreams’ and a father who outright refused family planning so that he can cry for each one of them when they finally go to their Sasural! The ad should immediately put your serial on the radar of your ladies audience.

Now it’s time to start spending some money, big time.. buy a designer boutique, get truck loads of talcum powder and makeup, loads of jewelry and glycerine. While you are at it, you might as well buy a flower garden ‘coz you will needs lots and lots of flowers. Hey you can’t afford to skip the festivals – you need to show everything that appears on ‘Kaalnirnay’ with double the decorations and jewelry! Read about various customs and traditions all over in India. You almost need one ‘vrat’ or ‘riti-rivaaj’ for every other episode. So do your homework right.

Remember that almost every second dialog has to have 20 still shots of everyone in the scene in whichever angle that the camera can turn, with exploding flashlights, along with some suspenseful music in the background! If you remember the Ramayan/Mahabharat serials, they had some nice soundtracks when the arrows used to travel in the air and the warriors used to just stare at them in slow motion!! Those soundtracks will be perfect! So get hold of those and keep them in stock.

Let’s spin some storyline for you.. so that you will get some clues how this works.

…we were thinking about this ordinary girl who is going to become a prime minister.. She has to have an old father who needs to LOOK like a father of at least five girls. Alok Nath, Sudhir Pande.. will be perfect! You can also throw in a couple of sisters for her who can have their own stories going in parallel.

You need to think of the bigger picture so don’t leave anything out. Just because the goal is to make her the Prime Minister does not mean she can’t get married and have a mother-in-law! C’mon it’s every girl’s right to have an evil mother-in-law and a taunting sister-in-law – no matter what she wants to be in life! So it should be the dream of her father to send her to her Sasural eventually, so that he can die peacefully while fulfilling the promise he made to her mother who stays in the picture throughout the serial. But nobody said she can’t come in her daughter’s dream from time to time!

I won’t tell you the whole story, but will tell you how to keep the wheels running. At every point in time, your serial should have a target showdown event. Let’s say, the girl starts working to help her poor father, albeit secretly. There is your first showdown at some later point – her father finding out about her job. There should be tears.. oh heck, lots of tears! “Kitni badi ho gayi hai meri ladli.. ab main teri maa ko kya jawab dunga.. ke tere babuji apni betiyon ko achhi zindagi nahi de sake…”, “Nahin babuji, aisa mat kahiye.. mein aap ki beti nahi beta hun..” Lots of emotions but then the father agrees.

A handsome guy in the girl’s office can be her future boy-friend.. you know how they should meet.. a file dropped on the floor, heads bumping into each other, a little exchange of words, their eyes lock.. not hard. The sisters teasing her at home about the guy, bla bla bla.. Let me give you some more hints on how to add more suspense. Let’s say the girl doesn’t return home from work one day.. now the father is the main guy to concentrate on.. he is distraught, takes a full episode crying and talking to the mother in the picture frame! Now you can let our lead girl take some time off and let her sisters have some stories of their own for some time. And one not-so-fine day, the family gets the news – the girl is dead – her body is found, but it is beyond recognition. Opportunity knocks! Hint, hint!

What happens to her being a Prime Minister you ask! Hmm, don’t you get it? Nobody ever dies in a Hindi TV Serial.. you ignorant fool! You have 2 options – do you like the actress who played the lead role? If Yes, then bring her back but change her character – now she is stylish and suave, but doesn’t recognize the father on the street while getting into her car. Or, if you don’t like her, bring in a new face.. hmm?.. how will that work? – well, haven’t you heard of plastic surgery??

Oh, why are you in a hurry?, the Prime Ministership will come.. there is ample time for that. There are more important things in her life than just that. Let’s get her married.. into a rich ‘khaandaan’. The father watches from outside the fence, tears rolling down, the girl notices, flinches a little but she has a greater cause in her mind. She wants to punish the family that snatched her father’s riches…. hmm?.. “where did that come from?”.. well nothing has to come from anywhere here, don’t you understand by now?

So the sasural.. 80% bad and 20% good. So an old ‘naukrani’, a ‘dadi’ and a mentally retarded ‘chhoti beti’ of the house are her sympathizers. The father-in-law is very strict, everybody is afraid of him but slowly she makes inroads into his mind. Slowly the mother-in-law, the sister-in-law who is permanently stationed in her ‘Maayka’ start showing their colors. And the father-in-law starts appearing like a puppet in the hands of every lady in the house! Then a little poison in the milk or husband’s ears sometimes, misunderstandings, mysteries, old office friend coming home one day, again misunderstandings, festivals, ‘vrats’, ‘karva chauth’, ‘satyanarayan pujas’, ‘maha artis’, ‘antaksharis’, parties.. should keep you busy for a while! You could add a ghost too.. nobody said ghosts are imprisoned in horror serials only! “oh, by the way.. what happened to the father, the sisters..”? Hey.. keep the ship floating.. don’t worry if all the oars are in the water or not!

“Does it ever end” – you ask?? Well, it need not end. Everything that starts does not have to end my friend. But it might.. everyone can’t be Ekta Kapoor! So if you see it ending, take care of the in-laws first, make her come back to her father, sisters, that ‘paagal’ sister-in-law should suddenly recover, her father should get his riches back, her mother’s spirit should go to heaven…..

…
….. and if you reeeally care, make her the Prime Minister too!