Kedar Writes..

A Kid is an amazing package.. You never know what you are getting, till you get it! Come to think of it, this is a brand new human being like no other, which did not exist a while ago. And then it comes into being and starts kicking you around.. It’s also a very lovable package – nature makes it that way so that you are forced to be kind to it! And, it is a very invasive package which affects you and your life in more ways than you can imagine. But the subject of this post is not the package itself, instead it is the effect the package has on its recipients…

At this point, I am fighting an urge to start stereotyping the recipients (or parents) using different gauges.. care, worry, freedom, pride, expectations, discipline, pampering.. Let me explain what I mean by that, and that in itself will hopefully build this post.

Every person is a combination of his personality and the experiences he goes through in his life. Every moment shapes a person in various ways. In some cases, the experiences in your life, bring out the hidden facets of your personality and expose you to those unknowns within your own self. Having a kid, is one such life altering experience and when you emerge from it as a parent, you are a different person altogether. It throws your balance, logic, patience and strength, all in a cauldron and molds you into a new being.. called the P A R E N T !

Now your configuration is different, your genes have got altered in an irreversible manner.. and suddenly you see all kinds of faces on this being.. I see some who just worry too much, I see some who fight to stay as they were before, I see some who just indulge in their newly found parenthood, some who are almost fanatic about the new role and also some who take it in their stride.. I searched for myself in all these and got confused as to which mold I came out of or which mold I would rather choose. Eventually, all I did, was to set some initial rules for myself as a parent.

But I think no rules can make it perfect! There just isn’t any formula to make you perfect in front of everyone! You can only be perfect in your own imagination.. So I indulged and this is what I came up with after 4.5 years of real parenthood and about 10 years of ‘passive parenthood’ (you know, just like passive smoking – watching other people’s parenthood is ‘passive parenthood’!) -

1. I am NOT God!

The role of a parent is huge.. although I don’t like to announce this in a constant drumbeat like some people do. Sure, a parent shapes the way their kid turns out eventually, in several ways. But I just think that one needs to be a bit more relaxed about it. Some may call me insensitive or even arrogant, but realistically, I think parents are just human beings. They are not God!

As a general rule, parents just want to see their kids succeed, they generally wish well for them. But beyond that, they do have their shortcomings too. Just being a parent doesn’t make everything you do, right, in every context. I am not trying to provoke kids here or trying to downgrade the importance of parents .. I am just trying to put things in perspective for me as a parent. It is funny that most cultures put Mothers (and to some extent Fathers) on a pedestal.. I think childbirth is just a nature’s way of procreation. Nobody does anything unnatural to make them Gods. If a woman becomes Godly just by giving birth to a child, then there wouldn’t be any evil mother-in-laws or scheming daughter-in-laws !!

Parents do sacrifice things for kids.. they may let them have the only remaining chocolate instead of eating it themselves, for example! But that is what gives them joy if you ask me, it comes natural to you once you have a kid. Even animals have the same tendencies and feelings. Kids themselves are going to do the same for their kids! Don’t you see the redundancy here?

2. I am a parent of MY kid(s) alone..

Lot of times I see new and old parents acting as if they are, not only parents to their own kid, but to every kid on the planet! Being a parent does not really make you knowledgeable about ALL kids in the world! I really believe, no two kids are same.. ‘one size fits all’ does NOT work here. One has to remember that things that work or worked with your kid may NOT necessarily work with someone else’s kid..

3. I shall not excessively brag about my kid!

Well, Kids are kids.. but parents should at least be adults! Comparing that my kid started saying “Mom” when he was 10 months old, with my neighbor’s kid who started at 11 months, is stupid! Boasting that my kid never held a book upside down right from his birth is stupid! Saying that my kid was potty trained at birth is plain baloney! That he is a model kid at pre-school does not count in the long run… I mean, c’mon, how far will (especially) mothers and fathers go, just to score an early point with their kid in front of others, and does it even count in the long run??

Does anyone try to find out when Einstein was potty trained or whether he got an ‘A’ in his alphabets class? Heck, he did not even know how to speak for quite some time! I know so many who never did well in their school life but achieved some kickass success in their real life!

4. It is me who is going to teach my kid how to behave..

A parent is one of the most influential beings for a kid. Almost everyone loves his/her own kid, they think the world of them.. BUT, others do not have to think the same. Many parents forget or ignore this reality and when it exhibits itself, they are in disbelief and shock.

First of all, when I am out of my home, I think of my kid as an inconvenience to the world in general! Well, even if you don’t take that extreme approach, it is a fair approach to have about yourself too!

You can give all the pampering and freedom in the world to your kid, but in your own home. Out in the world, I think one needs to stress upon him the need for restraint. Enforcing discipline might get bumpy or ugly sometimes, but I think it is necessary to let the kid know what is not acceptable and also to let the world know that you are aware, mindful and in-charge of what your kid is up to.

5. Because I walked to school, my kid should not…

It’s amazing the way you shape your thinking for your kid based on your own life.

I do not think that a kid is like a vent you use to get square with your past! Thinking of your past and what was denied to you in your childhood in this manner, only results in excessive supply of things that you can get in a shopping mall.

I strongly believe that a bit of struggle is important in a child’s life. When things come easily, a kid never learns the value of money, the effort that goes into the making of every dollar and what even the smallest of things mean to the poor in this world.

It is pretty romantic and almost poetic to say that you will make everything available to your child before he can even think about it, that he will get everything that he asks for.. but then you are just making a super arrogant human being who won’t take a ‘No’ for an answer or will get crushed if ever he fails. Every generation, generally gets more than what the previous generation got. If you walked to school, your kids are generally going in a car. If you had 2 pairs of pants, your kids will have 20. If you got $10 per month, your kids will get $10 per day…

But whatever it is, every generation needs to know that nothing comes free, there are limits to everything, one doesn’t always shop at designer boutiques all the time, and one does not bring a car with him when he is born..

6. My kid is not an exception case to Murphy’s law!

This is a funny one.. I see parents get ruffled when their kid does not do what they claim he does in front of people! So the parents brag about their kid being this next rock star at an age when he is only expected to start talking! And in reality, the kid does not even say ‘Mommy’ in front of people! Whatever follows is just hopeless – the parents are trying to prove that their kid is a wonder kid and for some reason does not want to sing today!!

This is just another example of what kids can do to you.. I mean, why do people dig such holes for themselves? A kid is a kid and he will never do what you want him to do, or  he will surely do something that you don’t want him to do!

I say, I would just leave my kid alone in his own undemanding world!

7. Caring..

I have yet to see a parent who completely doesn’t care about his child. There are varying degrees of care in every parent’s mind. Some are overly cautious and some are simply adventurous. Just like with everything else, extremes are always bad.

If I keep my kid in a shell, he is never going to explore the world outside. If I throw the blanket of my worries, my fears, my weaknesses on him, he will never be able to shirk it off. I always thought my kid should be braver than me, he should be more open and more adventurous in everything. Unfortunately, you don’t get things just by thinking and wanting in real life. So you have to demonstrate it to your kid. There is a bit of gene factor in there too.. but even then, you could still go above and beyond. You might not be a Columbus or Edmond Hillary or Neil Armstrong or Bruce Li in your genes, but given a certain exposure, you could venture out to become like one.

I am paranoid about creepy crawly creatures, was afraid of deep water, had never danced before, always had stage fear, wasn’t too comfortable in the dark.. but, I would rather that my son did not follow in my footsteps! So I have started fixing my fears one by one and also not dictating them to him..

.. and more, and more..

So even after all this, I know my kid may not necessarily worship me as the world’s best dad, or the world may not always be welcoming to my kid in spite of all the precautions I might take, or my kid may not like it when I stop him from jumping on the bed in someone else’s house, or people may think my kid does not have any talent just because I did not brag about him..

.. and I am sure I will find many more rules to follow as I go on.. and may still end up with many failures! But that’s all expected…… because I am NOT God!

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